This Mask

I wear this mask

Because I can't be my authentic self around you 

I wear this mask 

Because you hate people like me 

I wear this mask 

Because it's the safe thing for me 

I wear this mask 

So that you won't be so harsh on me 

I wear this mask 

And it's so exhausting 

I wear this mask 

And it's hard to breathe 

I rip off this mask 

And everything I suspected is true 

I rip off this mask 

And you refuse to accept me 

I rip off this mask 

Even though it means living dangerously 

I rip off this mask 

And face the insanity 

I rip off this mask 

Air in my lungs and I breathe deeply 

I rip off this mask 

And accept me for me 

I rip off this mask 

And live authentically 

But I Wish I Didn't

I still think about you 

But I wish I didn't 

I still miss you 

But I wish I didn't 

I still love you 

But I wish I didn't 

I still cry over you 

But I wish I didn't 

I don't wanna do anything 

But I wish I did 

I just wanna sleep forever 

But I wish I didn't 

I just wanna move on 

But right now, it's too hard 

You stay on my mind 

But I wish you didn't 

Losing you still hurts 

But I wish it didn't 

I feel conflicted 

But I wish I didn't 

I still think about you 

But I wish I didn't 

Breaking Up with You (Burning Bridges)

I've never been good at commitment 

I've never been good at letting go 

But I'm good at burning bridges 

My attachment style is chaotic, fukt up 

Anxious, avoidant, insecure, crazy hell

These are things that I'm sure you know 

And then I found myself breaking up with you

This is one of the hardest things 

I've ever had to do 

You knew my secrets 

I've always struggled with vulnerability 

but I bared my soul to you 

You saw things that no one else would ever see 

You knew my fears and my regrets 

You were my safe person 

and support 

We spent years together 

And I knew that if we ever ended

There'd be no replacement 

There'd be no other 

I swore it

I meant it 

Then the unthinkable happened 

So I needed to hear the truth from you 

It hurt like hell but I had to end it 

You chose him instead of what's best for me 

I'm not one to cry

But I'm going on four days now 

Thinking of you hurts

It cuts deep 

I metaphorically cover myself in dirt

I don't wanna eat

I can barely sleep 

Every time I think of you, I cry

People ask if I'm okay

But I'm not and I lie

I tell them everything is alright 

I tell them I'm fine 

I'm fine 

I'm fine 

I'm fine 

Yet tears escape my eyes 

I'm really not okay 

I die inside 

I need refuge 

But now can't find it in you 

I doubt you meant to 

But you created this irreparable damage 

I don't know how 

But somehow I'll manage 

To cope with the betrayal and pain 

And knowing that when you chose him 

You became unsafe for me

I turn up my playlist, "Becuz I'm Not Okay"

Surely these songs will help along the way 

I'll write like I always do 

My words heavy, but not few

I'll read the books

Connect to my emotions while I look 

We both didn't want this to end 

But choices have consequences 

And impact is more important than intent

So I had to walk away 

I had to go 

I couldn't stick around 

I miss you 

I miss the thought of you 

I miss the woman that I thought I knew 

Maybe in time 

It won't hurt when you cross my mind 

It's sad and it sucks 

That we had to end like this 

I hate that I had to find myself 

Breaking up with you 

Burning bridges 

Immigrants

Most immigrants 

Come looking for a better life to live 

My grandmother was one of them 

They don't come with ill intent

Just somewhere safe and good for them 

and their kids 

Knock off all your xenophobic bullshit 

You don't get to criticize 

You don't get to demonize 

Without them this country 

wouldn't be what it is 

Go run your mouth somewhere else 

because I won't tolerate it 

You say don't take it personally 

That it's just politics 

But I can't not take it personally 

Immigrants are my friends and relatives 

and they matter to me 

Rupi and Taylor

I read Rupi Kaur

and listen to Taylor Swift 

They understand the loss of my innocence 

They don't know that I exist 

but they know where I've been 

and the hell that I've lived 

They know the things I miss 

but can never get back 

They know the struggle to move forward 

They've been there too, so they get it

Capitalism Is a Bitch!

Capitalism is a bitch!

It only benefits the powerful and rich 

They say that if I work hard 

I can have money like them

What a bunch of liars! 

Capitalism is a bitch!

They say that money will trickle down 

But I'm not dimwitted 

We stay poor 

While they continue to pad their pockets 

with money that they didn't earn 

I'm sick of all their bullshit and nonsense 

Capitalism is a bitch! 

Differently

They ask me if I could go back in time 

and do things differently 

What would I do 

Who would I be 

I used to lie and say I wouldn't change a thing 

But now I need to come clean 

I never would've taken that flight 

from San Antonio 

I would've stayed 

I would've learned to play 

the drums and accordion 

I'd sing and write a lot more 

I'd be so damn good 

I'd make music my life 

My life would be a song 

I'd be more confident 

I'd be strong 

Instead of going to college 

I'd hit the road and make my way 

to Nashville, Tennessee 

I'd work my ass off

and make a name for myself in Music City 

This "10 year town"

won't take me down 

I wouldn't give up on my dream 

I'd take every opportunity 

and make the most of it 

Then you'd hear me on the radio 

and enjoy my shows

Kaboom

Deep breath in 

She bats her eyes and grins

She bites her lip

and lets it rip

With a big kaboom

She clears the room 

Everyone else can only gasp and gag

But she gets the last laugh 

I Was Made For

I was made for climbing mountains 

and admiring waterfalls 

Exploring caves 

Running through fields 

and wide open spaces 

And rolling down hills 

I was made for  creating 

Writing songs, and poems, and stories

that just might pull at your heartstrings 

I was made for building and painting 

Sugar in my blood 

I was made for baking 

I was made for speaking up 

for the vulnerable 

for the afraid 

I was made for peace 

justice and mercy 

love and hope 

500 Miles

There's about 500 miles 

between me and my heart 

There's about 500 miles 

from here to Nashville 

I left my heart in Music City 

It's the only place that really gets me 

Just about every Saturday night 

I imagine myself back there 

when I watch the Opry 

I still hear the music in the streets 

There's about 500 miles 

between me and my heart 

There's about 500 miles 

from here to Music City 

I haven't really been there in a while 

but I still see it in my dreams 

If I really had the choice 

I never woulda left 

We all know I never woulda left

This religious conservative town

ain't where I belong 

It just does me wrong 

I always think of the day I'll peace out 

Tell this backward town "so long"

There's about 500 miles 

between me and my heart 

There's about 500 miles 

between just surviving and life 

There's about 500 miles 

between a town that kills me inside 

and a city that makes me feel alive 

There's about 500 miles 

between this dead end and opportunity 

There's about 500 miles 

between me and my heart 

Just a Song

They say it's just a song

but it's so much more 

If it was just a song 

then where did all these emotions come from?

If it was just a song 

why do all these memories come over me?

If it was just a song 

why can't I let it go?

They say it's just a song 

but it tells a story that I know all too well 

If they really listened to the lyrics 

they would know 

it's so much more than just a song 

I Like

I like days with you 

I wish you knew 

I like the way you care

I like the taste of mocktails

and pineapple on my pizza

I like getting caught up in books 

and being told stories 

I like unicorn and dragon tales 

I like the magic 

I like the fantasies 

escaping from reality 

I like all the cute furbabies 

soft and cuddly

I like being covered in a pile of blankets 

when I take naps 

I like finger food snacks 

I like Indian food and chai

the way I feel it in my soul 

I like wildflowers, lilies, and orchids 

Cacti and palm trees

I like my music turned up loud

Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, and Tchaikovsky 

Chopin, Mariah, and Lady A

Reba, Garth, and George Strait 

I like tattoos and piercings

I like lemon donuts

Arnold Palmers and pink drinks

I like Bollywood movies and musicals

I like museums and art

Walks in the park 

I like the sound of the waves crashing on the beach 

I like taking pictures and painting 

building and creating 

I like working with my hands 

I like writing stories and poetry 

I like baseball and climbing trees 

I like putt putt, go karts, and playing games 

I like puzzles and chocolate 

I like road trips and trains

I like my coffee black with sugar 

I like stargazing 

and finding shapes in the clouds 

I like a challenge 

and the book of James 

I like drag shows and Pride

I like the simple things 

I like being me

Talk Shit

Taylor's brilliant and brave and strong 

Skilled and beautiful 

She uses her wealth and power for good 

She builds us up and doesn't tear us down 

People like to talk shit

But they're just mad because they can't be 

Taylor Swift 

Haters 

Attacking like they think they're gladiators 

They talk shit

But if this was baseball 

At bat, they'd just swing and miss

Three strikes 

and they're out

They pick fights

But they're fighting themselves in the dark 

Because she turns out the lights 

Laughs and walks away 

They talk shit 

Thinking they know Taylor Swift 

But they've got her all wrong 

They've been wrong for so long 

They talk shit 

but don't even know the lyrics 

to any of her songs 

They just make themselves look stupid 

Foolish 

Clueless 

She shines bright 

Hello, sunshine 

Thank God for daylight 

Hello, moonlight 

She's still sparkling at midnight 

Singing the soundtrack of our lives

Are You a Christian?

They say to me, "So, tell me about yourself"

but I don't know what, exactly, they want to know 

So I ask, "What do you want to know?"

Someone says, "Are you a Christian?"

I look around awkwardly 

Hesitantly I reply, "Yeah, but I'm not one of 'those'"

"Not one of 'those'? What do you mean?" they ask 

I say, "Oh, I'm not like the ones you see

in the news or social media 

We're not all like that 

We don't all believe the same"

They all look at me 

and then at each other 

and then back at me 

Curiously 

So I tell them this...

God is love 

and God loves everyone unconditionally 

No exceptions 

We should try to do the same 

Love is love is love is love 

Do good, but do no harm 

Turn weapons into garden tools 

We don't have to check our brains 

at the church doors

Science is real 

It's okay to question your beliefs 

Wrestle and take inventory 

Don't take the Bible at face value 

Not everything should be taken literally 

Ask questions, dig deep 

Women aren't less than men 

and don't have to be mothers or wives

There are more options than that to our lives 

Women can speak in the Church 

Women should lead 

Fling wide the doors

Welcome the people in 

the immigrants and the outsiders

Church shouldn't be an exclusive social club 

Help people in need 

Comfort the hurting 

Seek justice 

Fight oppression 

Feed the hungry 

Clothe the naked 

Speak up when you know something's wrong 

Don't be compliant 

Care for creation– the animals and the land 

Share what you can 

and expect nothing back 

I think I've covered the bases

The looks on their faces 

tell me that they weren't expecting 

to hear all that

And then I ask them, 

"What about you? Are y'all Christians, too?"

Masterpiece

He tells me that I'm "just too much"

But I'm confident that I am enough 

He tries to bring me down 

He tells me that I'm a "piece of work"

But I tell him that I'm a masterpiece 

I'm strong and my feelings aren't hurt

They Call Me

They call me a bad Christian

Heretic, abomination

They say that I'm apostate

That I'm not even really a Christian 

That I have no place 

in the Kingdom 

That I've lost my way 

They call me a backslidden heathen

Devil worshipping hellion

They think it'll hurt my feelings 

Intimidate me and change my mind 

But now I can only laugh and say thanks

I just can't see things the same 

Even though they smear my name 

I can't blindly believe 

I have to ask questions 

Dive deep 

I won't tow their line 

I won't submit 

They try to bully me into submission 

But I speak up and won't quit

I'm not meek and mild

I'll keep seeing in shades 

of rainbow and gray 

It's my choice, my faith 

My Agnostic Heart

God, if you're real

Send a sign

C'mon, just seal the deal 

These people say you are 

and expect me to believe the same 

But I'm just not sure 

My agnostic heart needs proof 

How can I believe in someone or something 

I can't see or hear or feel or taste or smell?

Where's the evidence?

How can I even know if you're real 

and not some made-up fairytale?

I have questions that no one can seem to answer 

They change the subject 

Or tell me to "just have faith"

Or try to shame and blame

me for my honesty 

but I don't play that game 

Why should I believe if I don't even know your name?

God, if you're real

I need proof 

I need answers 

Where's the evidence?

My agnostic heart can't just believe 

In anything 

It's 2a.m. and I'm wide awake 

I'm watching these YouTube videos 

Just hoping to fall asleep 

I find some on a human brain dissection 

And I don't know why 

But I'm drawn in 

Watching this guy cut and saw into the cadaver 

And pull the layers apart 

And something begins to change

in my agnostic heart 

Think

People tell me that I think too much 

And that I'm lame 

But I tell them to shush 

They don't think enough 

And are scared to use their brains 

I can't help that I think so much 

It's just the way I am 

I have to know how and why 

And let my mind create 

And just be free 

I truly believe that a mind 

Is a terrible thing to waste 

And that knowledge is power 

If you stop thinking and learning 

You stop living 

And if you stop living 

You die 

You die just like a flower 

That doesn't get sunlight and water 

It's wilted and depressed 

Dead, a distressed mess

So tell me why would anyone want that 

So I 

I will continue to think and create

And will continue to believe that a mind 

Is a terrible thing to waste 

I will not die as long as my mind stays alive 

What Does God Look Like?

When I was a child 

I thought God was a tiny dude

Kinda like a trolls doll

Sitting on a throne

Engulfed in flames

But now I'm not so sure 

What does God look like? 

Is God in the color purple? 

How about blue and green? 

Is God in all the things that make me feel serene?

Is God in the wildflowers?

Orchids and honeysuckle?

Is God in the face of a toddler 

Whose popsicle is melting 

As the afternoon sun gets hotter? 

Is God the friend 

Who consoles you 

When a loved one meets their earthly end?

Is God your cheerleader 

When challenging times begin 

And sticks with you through thick and thin?

Is God a sincere hug

That lets you know you really are loved?

Is God a nice warm pile of blankets

Protecting you from the cold?

A soft place to lie down 

Regardless of whether you're young or old?

Is God the fullness from a plate of noodles?

How about the calm I feel when I doodle?

Is God the sunrise and sunset?

The moon and stars that haven't come up yet?

I have this one question 

Please tell me if you can 

What does God look like?

 

STHU

Sometimes my brain is just so full of shit

Illogical 

Unrealistic thoughts 

Bullying me, as if I'm a child again 

So I tell it to shut the hell up 

and fuck off

My Conscience Won't Let Me

If it doesn't feel right 

My conscience won't let me 

Even if everyone else is 

"Jumping off bridges"

If it doesn't feel right 

My conscience won't let me 

be quiet 

I must speak up, take action 

I can't be silent 

No matter what it costs me 

If it doesn't feel right 

My conscience won't let me 

My conscience won't let me 

My conscience won't let me 

Your Silence

Your silence is compliance 

Your silence is violence 

Your silence means you've chosen sides 

with the oppressors and abusers 

You say that your silence means 

that you're neutral 

But the fact of the matter is 

You're in bed with the enemy 

Your silence costs lives 

Your silence tells me that 

you're okay when another soul dies

and another, and another, and another 

Your silence tells me that 

you support the enemy's lies

You say it's not your business 

because it doesn't personally affect you 

so you just go on living your life 

happy and carefree 

You say you don't have time 

You're just "too busy"

You refuse to speak up 

You don't want to risk your reputation 

or comfort 

so you stay silent 

You don't care that the world is on fire

You say you're "too tired"

You buy right into it when the enemy says 

that we had it comin'

that we deserved this 

They've taken our rights and locked us up 

They've beaten and murdered us

Stolen everything we had 

You don't see it

but they're comin' for you next

and there won't be anyone left to save you 

Addiction

This addiction is my enemy 

It's got a choke hold on me 

I turn my head so I can breathe 

Shin rake! Kick! And kick! And kick!

Hammerfist!

Headbutt!

Elbow jabs!

Punch! Punch! Punch!

Eye gouge!

It tries to take me to the ground 

But I fight like hell 

because I'm not about to let it take me down 

I fight like hell

Until I feel it release 

Someone's gonna die today 

but it won't be me

because I won the battle 

I got the victory 

In Our Streets

They're marching in our streets 

Masks on their faces to hide their identities 

They're today's neo-nazis 

They hate you if you're brown 

They hate you if you're black

They hate you if you're from overseas 

or just over the border

They won't accept you if you're a woman 

and want you dead if you're gay

They've got their arms raised 

Hitler salute 

They've got their hate flags out 

as if it's something to be proud about 

They're out there spreading hate 

with the nasty things they say 

But this is something we shouldn't tolerate 

We can't be quiet 

because silence is deadly compliance 

They shouldn't feel free to shout 

about their violence 

and wicked ways 

We must speak up 

Don't be afraid 

Stand up for justice 

Truth and hope 

Don't forget about Dr. King's dream 

Drown out their hate with love 

They're marching in our streets 

Spreading hostility 

Let's join together, you and me 

It's time we let 'em know 

We won't stand for their evil ways

Injustice or oppression 

Enough is enough 

We will drown out hate with love 

Sober

They ask me if I'm high

They ask me if I'm drunk 

I swear I'm sober 

But they say my eyes don't look right 

So they ask me if I'm sure 

I stumble over myself 

Clumsy and crazy dancin'

I fumble over my words

They hear my drunk songs 

I drop everything 

Call me Butterfingers

But I swear I'm just tired 

Sleep deprived 

God, this night is so long 

I'm just tryin' to stay awake 

I'm just tryin' to hang on 

They ask me if I'm high

They ask me if I'm drunk 

But I laugh it off

Knowing that even if they don't believe me 

I'm sober 

She's a Witch

"She's a witch!" they say 

Gossiping behind my back 

too afraid to say it to my face 

Word gets around fast 

and I know everything you say about me 

I was just a little different 

Quiet, a loner

No one took the time to know me 

If they did, they'd see 

that I was just agnostic 

But they liked to insist 

"She's a witch!

She casts spells and practices magic"

as if I had the time 

or intent to harm them 

And besides,

the Wiccan Rede says,

"Harming none, do as thou wilt"

Middle school gossip 

from bullies and "cool kids"

that I never fit in with 

Never stopped me from living my life 

or being who I really am 

I've moved on 

but they're still stuck there 

in that small town 

with their narrow-minded ways 

for the remainder of their days 

I'm still on the outside and I'm okay 

Liberty and Justice

They expect me to pledge my allegiance to a flag

Claiming there is "liberty and justice for all"

But they don't seem to understand 

that "liberty" means "freedom"

but because I'm not a white man 

I have none 

Justice is denied and corrupted 

I'm innocent, but they put shackles on my hands 

they threw me in a cage 

turned a blind eye and walked away 

I have no rights to my own body 

And they try to control my speech 

because they're threatened by the truth 

So tell me again, how am I "free"?

Where is liberty?

Where is justice?

They try to smear my name 

with false allegations 

to tear me down 

They blur the line of right and wrong 

expecting everyone to just go along 

But I will keep on 

Struggle as I may 

I will not be quiet 

I will stay 

Because some day 

liberty and justice will be mine 

There's No Jesus in That

Barb wire fences

National Guard menacing the immigrants 

There's no Jesus in that

Using spikes and boulders to keep the homeless out 

Arresting them and stealing the few belongings they have 

There's no Jesus in that

Fining citizens for feeding 

those in need 

There's no Jesus in that 

Abortion bans that steal the freedoms and lives of mothers 

Ensuring there are more orphans for you to disregard 

There's no Jesus in that 

Funding wars and genocide 

Instead of creating peace 

There's no Jesus in that 

Denying access to health care 

Making life more difficult for those in need 

There's no Jesus in that 

Making a mockery 

of people who live with mental illness or disabilities 

There's no Jesus in that 

Supporting slavery and segregation 

Abusing those who are not just like you 

There's no Jesus in that

Worshipping guns, you reject love 

As more children are murdered in their schools 

from yet another active shooter

There's no Jesus in that

You claim to be "Christians"

but your choices are nothing like Christ

You think you can do as you please 

because "the blood of Christ redeems"

Yes, Jesus forgives, but we are called to be holy 

You choose violence and hate 

You disregard the life of your neighbor 

and take the name of the Lord God in vain 

There's no Jesus in that